it sounds so pathetic, but i just created this LJ�for the sole fact that i need to talk about things and i dont want to put them in my reg LJ so people who know me dont know the real me.
i feel like a whiney complaining person, but i dont know what to do. I�hate myself. Im a horrible person, i treat people bad, im so selfish, im untrustworthy, unfaithful, and i lie all the time. I feel like im becoming an alcoholic. Everytime i drink which seems to be alot lately, i get wasted. Sometimes blackout drunk. I usually do not remember anything i say or do. And the next day people tell me things and i just dont know who that person is. I hate myself...
the thing is i want to be better. I dont want to be that drunk girl who cheats and says shit and gossips and ruins friendships. I dont want to chainsmoke a million ciggarettes- i dont even want to smoke any ciggarettes. I want to stop treating everyone terribly, i want to stop treating myself terribly. I really want to be a better person, but i dont know how to be. My entire life has been like this. I have never put any effort into anything good. I always quit on anything that goes good like school, jobs, or relationships. I fear i have a terribly addictive personality. I did alot of drugs in college and i havent in years until last week and i just do not know who i am becoming.
i dont know if anyone else is going through anything like this, i just need to get out of this hole that i keep digging deeper. Im so depressed and self loathing and i hate being so negative all the time. Its very strange too because i am really good at being very fake with these feelings. I seem so fine, so happy, so genuine. The truth is i really WANT�to be that.
i dont know anymore.
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