Lust is always easy for me. Too easy, but Irsquo;m learning to deal with it. Bobby and I are just short of brilliant at lust between us. When we donrsquo;t have the barrier of his fear of harming the triplets, it will be be brilliance. Or so I like to tell myself.
Love is harder. But not that hard. A large portion of my life was spent loving a man I had every reason not to. Bobby fought to win that right from me, and once he did, it stuck. Since we renewed our vows, itrsquo;s been easier. Something about promising to love him, love all of him. A truth that was always there, but also making the choice not to try to change him in ways he cannot change it brought a peace. Wersquo;ll see what happens when he decides to push things. But I have faith.
Like is the most difficult. Oh, most of the time I like him. Egotistical bastard that he is. Well, Irsquo;ve always like bastards, especially the ones who think they are always right. He does, though hersquo;ll admit hersquo;s wrong for me sometimes. Therersquo;s a victory in that. Since hersquo;s become something like a childrsquo;s teddy bear for me, necessary for decent sleep, wersquo;ve been getting along better. I think he feels honestly and sincerely needed for the first time.
It will be harder as the compulsion grows stronger and remains unsatisfied. He will be pointlessly cruel at times and I am not sure how I will take it. There was a time when he told me to hit him when he started acting like that. That is my plan at the moment. Cuff him, tell him to cut it out, and go back to doing whatever it was before hand. I think it might even be a relief to him, to have me tell him to stop when he goes too far. Hitting him is playing on the fact years of abuse left him more or less immune to it. I hate that. It seems be the option that will cause the least damage.
Twisted people result in twisted relationships. That doesnrsquo;t mean they canrsquo;t work or find a balance.
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