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My wife and child were away yesterday.� So I found myself with a little time to kill, and decided to go to the movies.� I donapos;t get out much to the theater, so I figured why not.� I chose a movie that I figured my wife wouldnapos;t want to see, on the small chance that sometime in the near future we might get out to the movies together.� I looked through the selections and decided on Max Payne.�� Wow.� That was an abhorrently stupid movie.� In fact, Iapos;m going to say this: Do not go to this movie.� If you got suckered in by interesting commercials, Iapos;ll save you the $10.� Itapos;s just bad drug trips.� No really.� Thatapos;s it.� Nothing interesting.� The plot is so bland youapos;ll probably figure out the whole thing within the first ten minutes.� The acting is wooden...bleh.� Really.� The good guys.� The bad guys.� The ? love interest?� Mila Kunis sorta plays some hot badass mercenary.� I think.� But she disappears for huge chunks of the movie, for no good reason, and they do nothing useful with her character.� Thereapos;s just nothing there.� I got so bored I pulled out my blackberry to read email.� Seriously glad that I didnapos;t drag my poor wife along to this one.� I would have never lived it down.� Heck, Iapos;m not sure I forgive myself for this movie yet.� Iapos;m not even sure itapos;s worth watching on cable if you donapos;t have to pay for it.

I repeat, donapos;t waste your time with this one.

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October 16, 2008 Thursday - Last night I fell asleep without working on the anicon article. Didnapos;t toothbrush, ugh. Morning I read comics and still didnapos;t write until afternoon. Watched Home Alone 1 with Julian then after dinner, watched Heroes season 3 part 1 from Oliver.

October 17, 2008 Friday - Slept early, woke up, then stayed up late using the laptop. Grr. Didnapos;t get to exercise before Julian came because I had to deal with cosplay stuff. Pa blo Iro n Mong er backed out of the Iron Man DVD launch event because of Star City robot event. His girlfriend (I think) is the coordinator. Wish he had said so in advance. Grr. Walked around subdivision with Julian, maids and Sam to look at Halloween decor. Watched another Heroes ep. Mohinder finally gets half nekkid :P

October 18, 2008 Saturday - Didnapos;t sleep early cuz I went online and checking Dean Koontz books. Sigh. Morning Julian woke me early since sister is duty. Played but also slept a bit. Afternoon he missed eating lunch because he wanted spaghetti but mom did not reply (she left her cell) and I didnapos;t leave to buy him food, augh. I had to dress up already in barong. Barong has food stains ARGH We are mom, dad, benj plus driver in two cars to go to cousin Edwin and Marielapos;s wedding in Fernbrook somewhere in Alabang past. I drove 1 car with dad. Mom and Benj with driver in other. Two cars cuz mom has to go to organization function later at night. Gene meeting us there with his girlfriend. Left at 1:45. Got there 2:50. Missed a turn once. Wedding to start at 3.

Fernbrook is magnificent Itapos;s so exquisite. Glass domes shiny and nice Pretty. Mass started 3:25. Mom is godmother thingy so had to be there. Gene was late. Wedding done, took pics. Went out to have cocktails. Cousin Ding plus wife Jo and kids Enzo and Achi. Jo said her sis from Holy Cow didnapos;t see me anymore. I have to email her

Food time. Mom had to leave. We sat with Ding and Jun and family but dad had to sit with the VIPS. Picture taking with couple, dance, cake, slideshow. Food was lotsa meat for me then lotsa dessert. They had a chocolate fountain fondue I ate a LOT Everything done by 8pm so home driving. Watched 3rd Heroes ep.


October 19, 2008 Sunday - Only spent a short time with Julian since most of the time, Bel and mom were there. Afternoon was suppose to pick up Hulk suit from Pab lo but turns out heapos;s out. I didnapos;t have to got out. Grr. Dropped mom off at Makati and at Krispy Kreme but thereapos;s no net. Picked her up 4 then to Metrowalk. Bought Next Avengers and Futurama Beast with a Billion Backs and a set with dancing (I wanted You Got Served). Then to Tendesitas where I got to net for a 20 min while my mom bought stuff.

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Lust is always easy for me. Too easy, but Irsquo;m learning to deal with it. Bobby and I are just short of brilliant at lust between us. When we donrsquo;t have the barrier of his fear of harming the triplets, it will be be brilliance. Or so I like to tell myself.

Love is harder. But not that hard. A large portion of my life was spent loving a man I had every reason not to. Bobby fought to win that right from me, and once he did, it stuck. Since we renewed our vows, itrsquo;s been easier. Something about promising to love him, love all of him. A truth that was always there, but also making the choice not to try to change him in ways he cannot change it brought a peace. Wersquo;ll see what happens when he decides to push things. But I have faith.

Like is the most difficult. Oh, most of the time I like him. Egotistical bastard that he is. Well, Irsquo;ve always like bastards, especially the ones who think they are always right. He does, though hersquo;ll admit hersquo;s wrong for me sometimes. Therersquo;s a victory in that. Since hersquo;s become something like a childrsquo;s teddy bear for me, necessary for decent sleep, wersquo;ve been getting along better. I think he feels honestly and sincerely needed for the first time.

It will be harder as the compulsion grows stronger and remains unsatisfied. He will be pointlessly cruel at times and I am not sure how I will take it. There was a time when he told me to hit him when he started acting like that. That is my plan at the moment. Cuff him, tell him to cut it out, and go back to doing whatever it was before hand. I think it might even be a relief to him, to have me tell him to stop when he goes too far. Hitting him is playing on the fact years of abuse left him more or less immune to it. I hate that. It seems be the option that will cause the least damage.

Twisted people result in twisted relationships. That doesnrsquo;t mean they canrsquo;t work or find a balance.

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�Hi, hopefully Iapos;m doing this correctly Iapos;m not new to the fandom but new to this comm so hey I only just found out about the convention today (in the middle of hsc stress so Iapos;ve been pretty horrible with news) and I wanted to get an opinion on whether or not itapos;d be worth it to get a day ticket now when its so late? Iapos;d be fun to go but considering the lateness I probably wouldnapos;t end up getting an autograph and be stuck at the back.

Please excuse my naiveness, Iapos;ve never attended a convention before so I have no idea of what to expect. Any advice would be very helpful
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it sounds so pathetic, but i just created this LJ�for the sole fact that i need to talk about things and i dont want to put them in my reg LJ so people who know me dont know the real me.

i feel like a whiney complaining person, but i dont know what to do. I�hate myself. Im a horrible person, i treat people bad, im so selfish, im untrustworthy, unfaithful, and i lie all the time. I feel like im becoming an alcoholic. Everytime i drink which seems to be alot lately, i get wasted. Sometimes blackout drunk. I usually do not remember anything i say or do. And the next day people tell me things and i just dont know who that person is. I hate myself...

the thing is i want to be better. I dont want to be that drunk girl who cheats and says shit and gossips and ruins friendships. I dont want to chainsmoke a million ciggarettes- i dont even want to smoke any ciggarettes. I want to stop treating everyone terribly, i want to stop treating myself terribly. I really want to be a better person, but i dont know how to be. My entire life has been like this. I have never put any effort into anything good. I always quit on anything that goes good like school, jobs, or relationships. I fear i have a terribly addictive personality. I did alot of drugs in college and i havent in years until last week and i just do not know who i am becoming.

i dont know if anyone else is going through anything like this, i just need to get out of this hole that i keep digging deeper. Im so depressed and self loathing and i hate being so negative all the time. Its very strange too because i am really good at being very fake with these feelings. I seem so fine, so happy, so genuine. The truth is i really WANT�to be that.

i dont know anymore.

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So I�was supposed to have an easy weekend, but after seeing my financial state.� So I�got out of work at 10 tonight, have a comp lit exam tomorrow at 8 am, then statistics, then work 1-9, then work sat 8-12.� Ugh.� My momapos;s Bday is this weekend too.� I�am just so excited about GRahams bday.� Colleen and Steph are definitely going and Steph and I�actually went and got our costumes wenesday.� Itapos;s going to be a blast.� I�ran into Mark at Old Nelson and he is still apologizing about last Saturday.� Itapos;s cool...really.�� I�just want to get drunk this weekend lol.� I am going to be so beat.
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sometimes. U cannot blame me if i feel insecure. U know how i feel, dont you. Sometimes i wish i can trust u fully , i tried but i failed. Maybe its the thought of losing you hurts too much. I think every guys wont like to see their love one being so close to another guy. Maybe u can call me selfish. Iapos;m very tired of all this thing, i know youapos;r tired also, i hope u can hang on too. I know we dont have much time for each other, but iapos;m trying very hard to take out time to accompany u , even if sending u to work. Or seeing u for just a short 10 secs. I will do it. I hope u can change, i know it takes time. But i hope u can be more understanding to how i feel also.

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